attitude of surrender

My rebellious nature fights to have things my way. I groan internally at the irony. I work so hard to be independent, yet I cannot pull away from one certain dependency, no matter how hard I try.

Instead, I dream of new methods, create plans, hoping my attempts will pull me through and get me to where I want to go.

But the hardships of this world are not lost on me. My plans take me through trials, either of my own accord, of others, or even of Your own accord.

And when things start to fall apart, I grow frustrated. I complain and hurt You with my words. I lash out in anger, fear, and pain. I exhaust myself into finding other solutions, other methods, only to fall back to square one when plan B, or plan C, or all the plans in the alphabet fall short.

And when I’ve exhausted all my resources, cried an ocean of tears, realize whatever I try to do is disastrous, You whisper, “Surrender.”

You whisper that word, quietly and simply to my aching heart.

My flesh recoils at the thought. Surrender? Why would I surrender. I’m independent. I can do things on my own. My plans will work. My ideas will get me there. Things will go my way. I don’t need to surrender. 

And while the internal fight rages within me, You wait patiently. You wait until my soul has gone from restless to silent, tired of working effortlessly towards something that is destined to be flawed. And then You murmur that word again. “Surrender.” You never force, You never negotiate, You wait, wait patiently, until I realize that I cannot do it alone.

Battered and bruised from the broken promises of the world, the endless lies, and the constant failures of other sinners and myself, I cannot hold out any longer.

Crippled and lonely, I cry out to You.

I surrender. I can’t do this alone. I need you. Meet me here. Please. Meet me here.

I am no longer standing, but find myself on my knees. My confidence is shaken. My cheeks are tear-stained and my nose runs. I’m hurt, desperate, embarrassed, and entirely lost.

And it is there, when I am at my lowest point, You meet me. You pick me back up, dust off the dirt, wipe away the tears, and comfort me. You take this weary soul and carry the burdens I have brought upon myself.

You show me Your plans, ones that are incomparable to the ones I could come up with, even on my best days, ones that You’ve had for me, long before I could conjure up my own.

And in that moment of surrender, Your plans exceed mine. And I begin to see what You see. I begin to understand where You are coming from.

I feel sheepish that I pushed You away so many times, that it took me forever to submit. Yet, You give me a reassuring smile, and whisper different words now. “I love you. Trust in me, and I will give you everything you could ever dream of.”


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