You frighten me

You frighten me.

You quicken my heart, make me nervous when I’m around you, and pensive whenever I speak with you.

I roll my eyes at you, try to be aloof as possible, yet smile at the dumb things you say.

I guess, I’m just that kind of person. I feel with my whole heart, and love in ways that can open me up to potential pain, whether it is from a broken heart or unrequited love. And that is what frightens me. The broken heart. The emotional stress I put myself through when I imagine situations to be anything but.

When I run into someone like you, someone who makes me smile over dumb things, and laugh at the ridiculous jokes you say, I get fearful of what my heart will do. I get scared that my heart will begin to fall in love, but fall in love alone. I am frightened by the things you do to me. You inspire the hopeless romantic in me.

So, in order to keep my heart in check, I build walls around it, protect it from charming phrases, or indirect compliments. Brush them off as if they mean nothing.  Attempting to mold my heart into a more “logical” thing is a job that requires constant upkeep. I try my hardest to put distance between us, keep myself in line so I don’t give way to the feelings bursting inside me.

My eyes don’t make contact with yours unless it is absolutely necessary. I chastise myself if my smile ever reveals too much of my attraction toward you.

Because I promised myself that I wouldn’t allow this to happen again. I promised that I wouldn’t get too emotionally attached to someone. I promised to keep my guard up whenever I felt like I was floating  around you.

Because the last time I allowed my heart to override my thought process it led me to an ocean of shed tears, hours of wasted pining, and emotional bitterness. I kept love at arms length, and wished that I didn’t have the capacity to feel. My heart labored for breath. It worked double time to appear apathetic, when really it was wounded beyond repair.

So I watch myself around you. Watch what I say. Watch my body language. Watch my heart. Because if I didn’t, that fear would turn into something worse. It would turn into a passion that would never be reciprocated. And that will inevitably lead to heartbreak.

Better safe than sorry.

Better to not feel than to feel fearful.

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